. c h a n g e . - 06.24.2004 . westcoast morning . 14C / cloudy .
funny how time zips by in the blink of an eye.
funny how lapses in memory help to heal the broken heat.
funny how one's life can completely change... this time for the better.
one year ago, i moved out of my apartment, leaving behind many of my belongings, my 'home', and the negative energy of a certain individual.
leaving him was the best thing that i have ever done.
my life, although, at times, cluttered with daily 'grown-up' stuff, is actually wonderful. i miss the freedom that i had in victoria-- kickin' open my guitar case, singin' in the salt air, meeting wonderful strangers, discovering new plants and mosses... now, my playtime is impeded but still alive and well. i still sing, i still discover, i still watch clouds tell stories in the sky.
when i visited in may, it felt as if i had never left. my home welcomed me with open arms and i breathed with an uncontrollable contentment. i know that i will be 'home' again... feeling that feeling of belonging enforces that my moss covered land of beauty and magick is truly my home.
i miss my friends so much at times it hurts; but my new friends understand me, love me, and support me, which helps.
i am told that i am beautiful from my pirate and for the first time in my life, i believe that he isnt lying. he truly loves me like the way that i have loved. and there isn't that ... oh... perhaps i need to be this way, or damn, the dinner is late, or no.. i can't stay out tonight, he will get mad.
what crap. such rules! i was a possession not a person.
what makes things amazing now is that ...
i am myself.. all the time.
i can just be myself and it is enough! infact it is encouraged.
what a difference a year makes.
what a difference nice people make.
what a difference in my spirit. sadness is seldom happiness abundant.
i have my 8 yearold grin on... and i don't care if my nails are dirty, or if i have icecream on my shirt.. as i am growing older, my spirit dances with youth! and i love that!
that's me.
healed up and ready for adventure.
i have many dreams to set sail on. i can't wait.
wear sunscreen.
cartwheels. hulahoops. sidewalkchalk.
get messy.
be yourself.
it is enough.
"A lot of people enjoy being dead. But they are not dead, really. They're just backing away from life. *Reach* out. Take a *chance*. Get *hurt* even. But play as well as you can. Go team, go! Give me an L. Give me an I. Give me a V. Give me an E. L-I-V-E. LIVE!
"Vice, Virtue. It's best not to be too moral. You cheat yourself out of too much *life*. Aim above morality. If you apply that to life, then you're bound to live life fully. " -harold & maude
everything2 journal entry - 01.17.2003 -
. Who I Am .
muse to some, plague to others; i have a chameleon persona that finds the corners of a situation and blends in unnoticed. i can be your best friend and secretly your worst enemy. my type A personality will correct your spelling with a red felt marker and i will seemingly ignore my own shortcomings with the knowledge of the english language. i drink a pot of starbucks cafe verona before 9am and a pot of standard issue chinese green tea before dinner. i tie myself in knots for relaxation and spatter canvases to express my inner child. a writer i am not. a poet is a questionable label as well. a reader i am. observer. the audience member who volunteers to be put in a box and sawed in half. i will watch and be silent until your limelight sours and then i will say how i truly feel.
you may watch my garden grow.
find pleasure in my petals.
braid flowers in my hair.
i don't bite.. much.
. Um.. okay.. Who I Really Am... .
i was the girl with the big curly hair sitting in the Closerie des Lilas. i was the one reading hemmingway while the folk musician strummed the odd parisian tune.
do you remember? hmm.. perhaps i must have mistaken you for someone else.
*grin*
i am 28. i am a child at heart. i have toys and giggle over boys. i like ice cream and fireflies.
i have a BFA in theatre performance with a minor in music. i am a drama queen and enjoy indie film and stage. i love costumes, period clothing, and disguises.
i am convinced i was borne in the wrong place in time but i am coping.
i have eclectic tastes in music, cuisine, people, and travel spots.
i am constantly in study of _______. fill in the blank
i am a cheerleader for my friends and family. the silver lining child, that's me. i will pick you up when you fall down and make you soup when your sick.
i am a bearer of sunscreen, band-aids, twizzlers, and smiles.
i play guitar and sing. i was a successful canadian celtic pop music star for many years. the irish whiskey did me in. sex, drugs and jigs are a bad combo.
i do drink a pot of cafe verona before 9am and green tea before supper. some habits are hard to break.
i am never lonely near the water. i am happiest when i am in nature. i read to clear my mind. i center myself with yoga.
. Who I Am Not .
i am not a commemorative coin. don't put me in a box.
i am not a statue on a pedestal. don't look up to me.
i am not gertude stein. although.. i might have been.
. Who I Would Like To Be .
myself. and have that be enough.
. Who I Admire .
i could easily say mother teresa, gandhi, the dali lama; but, i think that those who truly move me are the ones who have impacted my life on a personal level.
my mother, who had the best advice at just the right time, who taught me that loyalty was something that was borne in the inner parts of the heart and it ran through your entire body, who never let me quit, who always was my cheerleader, who always believed that i could be anything that i wanted to be as long as i was true to myself firstly and completely, who kept a family going on a frayed shoe string budget, who taught me that the simplest of treasure like friendship could make you feel richer than any form of currency, who taught me that love reaches far beyond physical spaces and lengths of time, who taught me that when life appears to be giving you a set back that indeed it could be giving you the prime opportunity that you have been waiting for. she is the one who i admire most in life.
lose this day
loitering -- 'twill be the same story
to-morrow -- and the next more dilatory;
each indecision brings its own delays,
and days are lost lamenting o'ver lost days.
are you earnest? seize this very minute --
boldness has genius, power and magic in it.
only engage, and then the mind grows heated--
begin it, and then the work will be completed!
--johann wolfgang von goethe
from faust; translated
by j. anster
anything
is possible - 10.15.2002 -
when i was young i did not limit my hopes and dreams.
i was carefree with my play and held the sun in
the palm of my hand. as i grew older, from some
wild places unknown, strange limitations began to
appear. the sunshine in my pocket seemed to dwindle
to a small flicker. my hope became buried under
my fear like the thorn bushes that strangled the
forget-me-nots that i planted at the age of 5. and
on my 18th birthday, i was left wondering where
my flowers went. it was at that moment that i knew
that i had to plant some more seeds.
. . .what
we concentrate on, focus our mind to, we manifest.
what’s wrong with hopes / dreams? what’s
wrong with thinking anything can happen? nothing.
michelangelo said, “the great danger for most
of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss
it, but it is too low and we reach it.”
. h o p e . . e n t h u s i a s m . . a c t i
o n .
.
. . a wise man told me once not to be drawn into
the ridiculous idea that there is danger in having
too much hope. he told me that it was the hope that
would ultimately keep the heavens in my reach. it
seemed so simple.
. . . i have run into many people in this online
world who seem to have lost hope about themselves
/ about life. esteem, enthusiasm, action, dreams
seem to get tangled in self loathing tapestries
depicting how one is 'supposed' to live. unfortunately,
it is truly the most creatively enlightened that
seem to fall into this lack of self-lustre. it's
sad. . . . now, i will not claim that everyday is
a sunshiny ‘i love myself’ day in the
land of fae. i have my down days just like everyone
else. days when i question what the hell am i doing,
or why why why?? there are days when self confidence
flies directly out the window. i find that even
on the days when the world gets me down, i still
have a continuing idea. i have a relentless desire
for something more. "let us then be up and
doing, with a heart for any fate," longfellow
said in his 'psalm
of life'.
.
. . 'life is real'. . . 'life is earnest'. . .
.
. .i look for the adventures, the parts of life
where discovery & lessons aren't full of sadness
& strife but patience & gratitude. this
lust of life seems to keep me young and keeps me
in balance with the inevitable growing pains. it’s
optimism. it’s knowing that the path might
fork ahead and knowing that i will be okay no matter
which road i choose to stroll down.
...be
a dreamer. be a romantic. be a muse, a gypsy, even
a sex symbol if you want. most importantly, just
be you. consider critism with an open mind, stay
true to the things in life you wish to manifest,
and do not be afraid to try different things. life
is about variety; it's about happiness; and life
can pass you by if you let it.
Live!
.
it's a miracle! i actually posted - 07.31.2002
- this is personal website
number five... the four that came before have never
had the pleasure of entering the great big sea of
the internet. i suppose that makes this one very
special!
. i n v e s t i g a t e . . e x p l o r e
. . r a n t . . r a v e .
lemme know what you like and don't. this is a work
in progress and will continue to change and evolve
with my moods and moons.
have fun! giggle!
-fae
